Bishop Baxter Writes...

May 23, 2011

Dear Sisters & Brothers;

In this edition I wish to address some of the concerns and inquires related to remarriage. First, I would request that all clergy, wardens and other church leaders re-read the appropriate sections related to remarriage in the Constitutions and Canons of the Episcopal Church (Title I Canon 19). It is a very brief and clear section. This section of the canons references situations when a member of the Church seeks to be remarried and there is a living previous spouse. In every case it requires the permission of the bishop with the endorsement of the clergy persons. The diocesan website has a standard application form.

The canonical instruction assumes that at least one of the couple should be members of the Church (this is to discourage requests based upon the promise of membership or as a lure to attract persons to membership). It also expects that: 1) there be thorough instruction---particularly regarding the theological gravity of marriage vows and necessary recognition of failure; 2) that there is appropriate assessment of healing for the petitioner from the last relationship and reconciliation relationally and emotional (such counseling or assessment may require assistance beyond the time or skill of a local pastor); 3) that there is accountability for the well-being of the former spouse and dependent children (legal expectations, and/or reasonable material and emotional needs as maybe pastorally assessed); 4) that there is proof positive of legal dissolving of a previous marriage; 5) the pastor has spiritually discerned with the couple about the past and their present experience. The latter matter is rather intuitive and is somewhat subjective; but it is critical, because it comes only from having a real pastoral relationship (not simply an acquaintance) with the couple—to include prayer and discernment on the pastor’s part. The role of a clergyperson in a marriage ceremony is not just as an agent of the state, a theologian and canonical minister of the Church, but she/he is also a discerning pastor seeking a sense of the spirit of the couple and what the Holy Spirit may be saying.

All of the above matters are to be thoroughly considered before a clergyperson decides to endorse a couple’s application to the bishop or not. In this diocese, I am reluctant to favorably consider an application which requests a 3rd marriage or more. While there can be unique combinations of widowhood or abusive relationships or abandonments which clearly should merit consideration, “serial monogamy” in general is not consistent with the teachings and spirit of the Christian Church regarding vows of life long commitment. In my experience as a minister many good, well-intended persons find themselves in patterns of unexamined desire for successful marriage. But few look at the social, emotional, and/or personality dynamics which influence their continued choices of spouses. In fact, many resist any substantial pre-marital preparation (and our busy schedules as pastors often tempt us to accommodate). Sometimes couples have no real sense of what has caused previous failures, or understand what it means to make solemn promises to God, who wishes to be a partner in sustaining a marriage or healing the pain of necessary separation.

Pastoral discernment for remarriage is a very important a ministry to a couple and to the Church. Guarding the Faith is a ministry in tension: it means lifting up the solemn sacramental nature of making vows before God; and doing so in the tension of affirming the truth of God’s forgiveness and promise of new beginnings.

Peace & Grace,
+Nathan